Iruka's Island
by Ryals-Shoal
Summary: Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness, while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his affections. [Yarr! KakaIru be ahead!]
1. A Bunch of Coconuts

**Characters:** Iruka, Kakashi, Genma, Raido, Asuma, Gai (KakaIru, Gen/Iru, Rai/Gen, Asuma/'baccy)  
**Story Summery:** Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness, while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his affections. Meanwhile, Raido tries to distract Genma, and Asuma spirals down the unpredictable world of tobacco withdrawl. And where is Gai?

**Notes:** I still dedicate this ficness to mah friend **amoralambiguity** from LiveJournal And yes, it is unbeta'd and full of errors, so please don't take this story seriously (I know I don't! XD) WARNING! This story is full of stoopidness and is chock full of yoainess, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Flames will only be pointed and laughed at for my own amusement, so don't bother.**  
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** Iruka's Island**

**Ch. 1: A bunch of coconuts **

_ Ship's Log Entry, Date XXX_

_It has been over a week since the 'Beautiful Youth' has wrecked and brought us to this accursed deserted island. Six Konoha shinobi had been sent off on a top secret vacation by the Godaime herself. The Konoha shinobi consisted of Maito Gai, Hatake Kakashi, Sarutobi Asuma, Shiranui Genma, Ahinami Raido, and myself, Umino Iruka. I may never know what reasoning had prompted Tsunade-sama to send us off on an enforced vacation, nor might I ever find out what sort of insanity had possessed her to appoint Maito Gai as the captain of the 'Beautiful Youth.' As fate would have it, 'Captain' Gai had sailed us directly into a storm, and as a result we were swept off course and eventually ran aground in a reef near a tropical island. The ship had been wrecked beyond repair, and we had lost all means of radio contact. Of the six of us, Maito Gai has gone missing overboard, and is now our first casualty in this hostile environment– _

"Hey Iruka!"

_ I am still wondering what, by the Third's beard possessed the Godaime to blackmail me along with these insufferable jounin. Perhaps it is because I never had used any of my vacation time. Now, we are being forced to live in uncomfortable temperatures and uncivilized territory, I do not know how much longer we may have to survive– _

"Iruka Sensei?"

_ –no matter what hardships we may encounter, the persistence and courage of the Konoha shinobi will prev- _

"IRUKA!"

Umino Iruka slammed the ships log shut and shot an icy glare up at the intruder who dared to disturbed him-or rather, two intruders: Hatake Kakashi and Sarutobi Asuma. "What do you want?" he snapped.

Asuma figited under Iruka's glare, guilt stamped across his rugged features. "I-I was wondering if you had any cigarettes on you..."

Iruka sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose in an attempt to control his waning patience. "For the last time Asuma-sensei, I don't smoke, in which there is a good chance that _I don't have any cigarettes!" _

Asuma pouted, making a face that reminded Iruka of an oversized hairy puppy. "But if you DO find any lying around, you'll save them for me, right?"

"Yeah sure, whatever." Iruka waved Asuma off and directed his attention to Kakashi. "And why are you here?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Oh, I was wondering if you had seen any suspicious looking pelicans flying around?"

Iruka raised an eyebrow at the strange jounin, who raised an eyebrow back at him. "Um...no." Iruka finally replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just curious." With that said, Kakashi spun on his heels and ambled off down the beach for his afternoon stroll.

_ 'Weirdo.' _ Iruka thought. Unable to concentrate on the ship's log any longer, he gathered up the equipment and made his way to the makeshift hut with Asuma following at his heels.

During the first two days after being shipwrecked, the Konoha ninjas had been hard at work putting together their skills of masonry, carpentry and electrical wiring to construct a meager shelter made mostly of driftwood, palm leaves and the remains of _ 'The Beautiful Youth' _ ship. By the third day, they had assembled hammocks, storage compartments, bottle openers, and an outlet for the single surviving electric razor.

Asuma continued to pester the hapless chuunin all the way into the hut. "You gotta help me Iruka, I'm on my last pack! We gotta find me some 'baccy or who knows what will happen to me!"

"Just chew on a stick." Shiranui Genma suggested from one of the indoor hammocks. "It always helps me when I'm itchin' for a cig."

Ahinami Raido, who swung from a hammock across from Genma raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I didn't know you smoked!"

Genma shrugged. "Tried it, and decided it was too expensive. It takes away from my porn fund."

Raido chuckled, his burn scar wrinkling at the motion. "I'll bet Kakashi's been tearing his hair out these last few days! The poor fella had lost his Icha Icha books overboard during the wreck!"

Iruka had been ignoring the conversation until now. "Hmph. Maybe it will do him a bit of good." The chuunin sat down at the weathered driftwood table. "He will have to find something else to occupy himself other than read _ those _ books!"

"Yes...something else!" Genma's eyes glinted perversely towards Iruka's direction (of which the academy teacher missed the leer entirely).

Raido noticed Genma's sudden interest in the chuunin and jumped for a change of subject. "Ahem, too bad for Gai, I wonder if he survived the wreck?"

"I wouldn't worry too much about him." Asuma rolled his eyes. "I've seen that nut swimming up and down the Konoha river every Wednesday morning, come rain or shine– even in the winter!"

Genma chewed on his senbon thoughtfully. "I wonder if he could swim to Konoha?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Iruka bent over the table to sort through some foraged nuts. "No one can swim that far out into open sea. It is physically impossible."

Asuma took a dreg from his final cigarette butt, savoring the last bit of tobacco goodness stored within the filter. "Unless, Gai had help from dolphins. I've heard of that happening." Asuma perked up from a thought. "Hey Iruka..."

The chuunin stiffened. _ 'Here it comes...' _

"Can you summon dolphins?"

Iruka's left eye twitched (as it usually did when he was on the brink of an explosion) and answered a little too sweetly. "What gave you that idea?"

Asuma scratched his head in embarrassment. "Ah, well...aren't you named 'Iruka' for a reason?"

"My mother had a fondness for porpoises." Iruka flung a bad nut out the window. "And for the last time Asuma-sensei, ** I. Cannot. Summon. Dolphins!" ** Obviously, this was a tired question.

"There is no need to get upset Iruka-sensei." Kakashi popped into the hut, holding the bad nut Iruka had tossed out between two fingers.

The chuunin snorted sarcastically. "There's plenty of reason to be upset! We're trapped on a deserted island and no one here seems to want to leave!"

Genma sat up from his hammock. "We've done the best we can do, Iruka. Right now we should concentrate on the present and learn to adapt to this environment."

"I don't think I can survive!" Asuma mournfully gathered up his pile of cigarette butts. "I'm off to give a proper funeral to my little 'baccy friends. I fear dark days are ahead my comrades." With trowel in hand, Asuma sadly trundled out the door.

Raido shuddered "I hope he doesn't get like Tsunade-sama when she's sober."

There was a collective gulp among the shinobi.

Feeling a bit foolish at his recent behavior, Iruka decided to make amends. Turning to Kakashi, he scratched his head and fumbled for an apology. "Erm, I apologize that I had snapped at you and Asuma-san earlier. I've been a bit irritable as of late.."

Kakashi looked Iruka over. "Perhaps you're irritable from all those layers you have on."

Of all the surviving Konoha ninjas, only Iruka remained in full uniform. The jounin were all in various states of undress due to the sweltering heat. Genma was bare chested and barefoot, Raido had rolled up his pant legs and was in a tank top, and Kakashi had shed his vest and remained in his undershirt and mask.

Iruka smiled. "Thank you, but I'd rather keep my uniform on. The heat does not bother me too much."

Genma grinned, following Kakashi's ploy. "You should at _ least _ take off that shirt and enjoy the sun!"

"Really, Iruka." Kakashi's single eye contained a perverse gleam. "You might get heat stroke. Besides, a bit of a tan can do you good!"

"I-I'm perfectly fine!" Iruka looked at both men a little sourly, unsure of why he was feeling flustered. "N-now if you excuse me, I'm off to get more coconuts!" He dashed out the hut like a turkey escaping on Thanksgiving day.

Genma shot Kakashi an accusing glare. "Smooth Hatake, you scared him off!"

"It was you who pushed the subject." Kakashi sniffed, looking rather miffed. "And now if you _ excuse _ me, I'm off to go take my late afternoon stroll down the beach."

"Oh, no you don't!" Genma scrambled off his hammock to stand nose to nose with the other jounin. "I'm not going to let you 'stroll' off to Iruka without a fight!"

"Iruka!" Raido scowled with jealousy. "Genma, Why would you go for Iruka? He's not worth fighting for."

" ** GASP** Not worth fighting for?" Both Kakashi and Genma whipped their heads around at Raido, their faces stamped with horror at what the scarred jounin had just dared uttered.

"I've been after Iruka-sensei for _ months. _ " Kakashi glared at Genma. "It wasn't 'till we got stranded here that I found out that this toothpick chomper was doing the same!"

"Who you callin' a toothpick chomper, Cyclops?" Genma glared at his rival. "This is the perfect time and place to nag him, and I won't be having _ you _ getting in the way!"

Kakashi sprang away from Genma and started making complex hand seals. "Let's settle this here and now!"

Genma snarled and pulled out a kunai. "Bring it on!"

"Now just hold on one fuckin' minute!" Raido stepped in between the two angry jounins, waving his arms around in desperation to calm the conflict before things got ugly. "We're all adults here, there are other ways to settle this!"

"You're right." Genma sighed and put away his weapon, he looked at Raido with a warm smile. "Violence won't do while we need to depend on each other for survival, we must rely on our gut feelings to get us through."

Raido returned the smile, hope fluttered in his heart. "Genma, I've been meaning to tell you that I–"

"We'll make a wager on him!" Genma grinned, pleased at his own brightness.

Raido's jaw dropped.

"Splendid idea!" Kakashi clapped his hands together in delight, his single visible eye curved with glee. "I know, how about we wager that the first one to get him out of his clothes gets first dibs!"

"Harharhar!" Genma chortled. "I like the way you think, it's a bet!" They exchanged the sacred exchange of Pinky Swear to seal the deal, much to the horror of Raido.

"Th-theres's other ways to resolve this Genma! How about a friendly game of charades? Or Twister? I'll be the judge!"

"Nah, I like this idea of getting out dear sensei in the buff more appealing" he smirked at his one eyed rival. "And I intend to be the one a-peeling that vest off!"

Kakashi's eye glared at Genma. "We still need to decide who will go after Iruka-sensei first" he crackled his knuckles loudly "We must engage in the ancient battle of 'Jun Ken Po!'"

"Agreed!" Genma readied his fist, his face set with determination.

"Jun,Ken..." They paused briefly before uttering the final word, their eyes hard with competitive spirit. Everything rested on that last word. _ "PO!" _

Genma smiled in triumph as his fist beat Kakashi's two splayed fingers.

"Nooooooo!" Kakashi wailed. "Lets do best out of three!"

"Yes! Best out of three!" Raido desperately echoed.

Genma spun his kunai on one finger in a little victory twirl before stuffing it back into his belt pouch. "Now if you two gentlemen could excuse me, I have a dolphin to catch!"

Kakashi watched Genma leave with the fire of battle in his eyes. _ 'I will NOT lose Iruka-sensei to him, never!' _**

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Iruka had to travel far along the coast before he could find a palm tree that carried coconuts fit for eating. Tossing the basket aside, he took off his shoes and rolled up his sleeves in preparation for climbing. He was just about to skirt up the smooth trunk when he sensed a presence behind him.

Grabbing the kunai from his mouth, Iruka spun around to challenge the intuder, but was saved the trouble when the said intruder revealed himself from a large flowering bush.

"Oh, Genma-san." Iruka blinked in confusion as he lowered the weapon. "What are you doing here?"

Genma shrugged his bare and well tanned shoulders. "Oh, I thought that I should come and help you with the coconut picking. Two sets of arms are better than one, ya know."

"Oh." Iruka gave Genma a small smile. "I'd appreciate the help Genma-san."

_ 'Hehe, I got him to smile!' _ Genma thought gleefully and returned the chaste smile to hide his not very chaste thoughts. "Then why don't we get started?"

"Yo." Kakashi popped out from behind a pineapple bush.

Both Iruka and Genma jumped when Kakashi made his entrance.

The lazy jounin strolled over to Iruka and quite cheerfully patted his shoulder. "I was just taking my late afternoon stroll when I happened to overhear your conversation." He bowed respectfully. "Iruka sensei, may I have the honor of collecting your nuts?"

"Erm..." Iruka swallowed nervously, a little apprehensive at Kakashi's sudden helpfulness. Behind him, Genma glared daggers of death at Kakashi.

"Two's company, but three's a crowd Kakashi." Genma drawled, his eyes glowering with challenge."A third person might get in the way while I'm gathering nuts."

"Its all a matter of how you handle them." Kakashi winked at Iruka. "Certain nuts should only be handled with nimble fingers!"

"I might _ smash _ a few if you get in the way!" Genma growled.

"That's enough!" Iruka cried, shoving the two rivals apart. "I have plenty of nuts to go around!" He shoved the empty basket into Kakashi's hands. "I'll go pick the coconuts, you two catch them as they fall, and don't break any of them!"

Genma and Kakashi watched in silence at the irritated chuunin shimmed up the coconut tree with a huff at the two jounin's childish behavior.

Once Iruka was out of ear shot, Genma whistled over his senbon in amazement. "How could he miss all that innuendo?"

Kakashi glared from his one visible eye and covered himself protectively with his basket. "You just keep away from MY nuts!"

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By the time evening descended, the three Konoha shinobi had gathered over a dozen ripe coconuts to nearly overflow the woven basket. Both Genma and Kakashi had briefly squabbled over who would carry the heavy basket for the chuunin, but had resolved to share the burden by each grasping a handle from either end.

"I wonder what's for dinner?" Genma wondered when he heard his stomach grumble loudly.

Iruka shrugged. "Its Raido's turn to cook tonight. Knowing him, he'll make seaweed and coconut soup again. Ugh."

"Yeah, he has a thing for putting coconuts into anything." Genma agreed.

Kakashi noticed that Genma was losing his grip on the basket handle. "What's wrong?"

"N-Nothing really." Genma forced a smile over chattering teeth. "J-Just got a little c-c-chilly all of a sudden, that's all."

"Genma-san!" Iruka cried, horrifed. "You know that it gets cold by the ocean at night, why did you leave your shirt behind?"

Genma shivered violently. "I guess I forgot in my rush to catch up with you." He smiled bravely. "Don't worry about me Iruka, I'll be fine."

"I will not! Here," Iruka pulled off his vest and draped it over Genma's shoulders. "You'll stay warm in this until we reach the hut."

Kakashi scowled darkly at Genma. "Why you little–"

"We should get going." Genma tugged his side of the basket to drag Kakashi along, smirking triumphantly as he did so. "I don't want dear Iruka to catch a cold!"

Kakashi muttered something nasty to himself. The shirigan-user had no intention of allowing Genma to gain the upper claw in this dastardly plot to win the chuunin's affections, and vowed to begin his retaliation the next day!

TBC

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Notes: 'Jun Ken Po' is also known as 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' in case you didn't know.


	2. Rock Lobster

**Characters:** Iruka, Kakashi, Genma, Raido, Asuma, Gai (Kaka/Iru, Gen/Iru, Rai/Gen, Asuma/'baccy)  
**Story Summery:** Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness, while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his affections. Meanwhile, Raido tries to distract Genma, and Asuma spirals down the unpredictable world of tobacco withdrawl. And where is Gai?

**Notes:** I still dedicate this ficness to mah friend **amoralambiguity** from LiveJournal And yes, it is unbeta'd and full of errors, so please don't take this story seriously (I know I don't! XD) WARNING! This story is full of stoopidness and is chock full of yoainess, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Flames will only be pointed and laughed at for my own amusement, so don't bother.

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Ch. 2 Rock Lobster

Umino Iruka awoke the next day feeling sick. He had guessed right on predicting Raido serving seaweed and coconut soup for dinner last night, and it had not settled well with him.

With some effort, Iruka rolled out from hammock and slipped on his green vest. Looking out the window, he saw the beach was bright with sunlight, and undoubtably very hot. A cool breeze blew in from the ocean, which did wonders to make him feel better.

Iruka breathed in the salty ocean air, enjoying the refreshing qualities brought with it. _'Its my turn to cook tonight. I'm sick of coconuts and seaweed. I wants something more...meaty.' _He watched the crystal blue waves crash on the ocean beach for several minutes as he reasoned a way to satisfy his craving, then he smiled. "I'll go diving for shellfish!"

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By midmorning, the rest of the Konoha shinobi were out and about to start the new day. Unfortunately for Asuma, it was going to be one long and very trying day.

At the moment, he was trying Kakashi's patience as he continued his ten minute rant about the lack of tobacco growing on the island that they were trapped on.

"Its no use Kakashi!" Asuma waggled his arms in despair. "I've tried to roll every green thing on this accursed island, and nothing will satisfy my fix!"

"Did you try the leftover seaweed soup?" Kakashi suggested in a borderline-irritated voice. He wanted to get away from Asuma and continue on his morning beach stroll searching for pelicans, but was afraid that the big Jounin would follow him.

"I used it all, and it didn't work either!" Asuma tried vainly to suck on a burning seaweed cigar, and tossed it away in anger. He glanced over to Kakashi with fevered pupil-dilated eyes. "I haven't had a 'baccy crisis like this in years! If I don't get my baccy soon, _baaaaad _things will happen, mark my words!"

"Uh huh..." Kakashi suddenly felt the need to continue his pelican watching hobby a good distance away from Asuma. "You keep trying with those cigars. Just don't try to swallow any of them, alright?" With that said, Kakashi shot down the beach to make his escape.

Asuma clasped his huge arms around himself as he rocked back and forth in his seat. "Mark my words!" He muttered to himself. "Baaaaad things are gonna happen!"

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Not too far from where Asuma brooded, Genma sat cross-legged in the sand. pouting and feeling very sorry for himself. "I wonder where Iruka has gone off to?" Genma sighed mournfully. "I haven't seen him all morning! I was hoping that he might take a shower with me under the waterfall. Ah, what a wasted opportunity... "

Raido sat nearby Genma, and was determined once and for all to seduce the senbon chewer with his wily charms. "You know..." his voice dropped to a sultry growl. "I can take a pretty good shower myself!" He smiled a cocky smile at Genma, who was too preoccupied with his own thoughts to notice. This did not deter the persistent Raido. "And after every shower..." he continued, "I especially like to rub coconut oil all over myself to keep my skin all nice and soft." He pulled out a small bottle of the oil from his pocket and poured the gooey substance over his bare chest. He slowly began to rub the goop in what he hoped was a sensual manner.

Trapped within his own bubble of misery, Genma was unaware of Raido's lubing ritual until the coconutty smell reached his well trimmed nose hairs. "Phwah!" He cried, turning away from Raido with his nose pinched between two fingers. "You gotta lay off those coconuts man! Those things are reeking through your skin like garlic!"

"B-but–" Raido looked down at his sticky chest. "I like the smell of coconuts! What's wrong with it?"

Genma did not answer. At that precise moment when he had turned away from Raido, he had spotted Iruka walk by in the far distance.

An-almost-naked-if-it-weren't-for-his-light-blue-boxers-Iruka.

"HOT DAMN!" Genma shot off like a rocket after the scantily clad Chuunin, leaving Raido to fume over the intervention and at Genma's denseness.

Having just escaped the clutches of Asuma's rantings, Kakashi spotted Genma streak down the beach. Realizing what he was after, the one eyed Jounin took off with lightning speed to cut his rival off from his prey.

Unfortunately, Genma was a fast sprinter. Running alongside Kakashi, he tried to knock the other Jounin down. "You dirty sneak!" he snarled. "How in the hell did you get him to take off all those clothes?"

"It wasn't me!" Kakashi tried to elbow Genma back. "I haven't even seen him all morning. He must have done it on his own!"

"Shhh! Act naturally!" Genma hissed as they dug their heels into the sand to keep from crashing into the oblivious Iruka.

Iruka had his back towards the two Jounin as he gathered fist sized rocks into a basket, all the while humming a happy tune to himself. Happily, that is until he turned to nearly collide with both Genma and Kakashi.

With an undignified squawk, he leaped away with the basket of rocks still clutched in his hands. "W-w-what do you want?" He demanded in a voice rising into a shriek, he did not enjoy the feeling of being snuck up upon by strange ninjas.

"What are you doing?" Kakashi inquired, skipping the formality of explaining themselves. "And what do you intend to do with those?" Kakashi pointed to the basket of smooth rocks.

"I'm going to collect shellfish with the raft I made a few days ago." Iruka gestured to the driftwood raft beached on the sand with his chin. As he spoke, he began to slowly step away from the Jounin to get them out of his personal bubble space. "As for these rocks, I'm going to use them as weights to help me dive faster. It's a common technique used by sea divers foraging for food."

"Oh my Giddy Aunt!" Genma, (who up to this point, had been quietly leering at Iruka's newly exposed nipples) let out a cry and clasped his face in horror. "You intend to brave the deep dark depths of the ocean...ALONE?"

"Um...is there a reason why I shouldn't be?" Iruka cautiously asked, a little unnerved.

Kakashi raised an inquiring eyebrow at the Chuunin. "You mean they didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Iruka was beginning to get irritated. "What's so dangerous out there?"

Genma's eyes cast about wildly, then he lowered his voice to a hoarse whisper, "Rock Lobsters."

"A what?" Iruka's eye began to twitch again.

"Yes, the dreaded ROCK LOBSTERS!" Genma bellowed in triumph, now marveling in the marvel that was his cleverness.

"Very deadly crustaceans, mind you." Kakashi added, nodding sagely. "They especially like to sleep under docks, near rocks."

Iruka tilted his head to one side in thought. "That sounds like a name of a song that I once heard..."

"No it isn't!" Genma hastily cut in. "Those things have the ability to pinch an entire man in half with a single claw! In light of this potential danger, I insist that I accompany you!"

"Er, that's awfully generous of you Genma-san..." Iruka hugged the basket of rocks protectively, and continued to back away. "But I really don't–"

"I must come as well!" Kakashi declared, shoving Genma out of the way. "In the case that the two of you are in mortal danger, I shall be present to save you, Iruka-sensei!"

"Hey waitaminute!" Genma roughly shoved Kakashi back. "Do you intend to leave me out of your rescue plan?"

"I might if you keep pushing me!" Kakashi growled and knocked Genma to the ground. Being a skilled ninja, Genma wrapped a leg around the back of Kakashi's knee to bring him along with the fall. Once they hit the sand, their fight erupted into a giant dustball 'o chaos, with lots of angry curses and the occasional arm or leg popping out as both Jounin tried to clobber each other senseless.

Iruka chose this opportunity to quietly slip away from the squabble and make his way to his raft.

Both Kakashi and Genma paused in mid-punch once they realized that the object of their desire was now a good distance out in the sea. Hastily, they struggled down to their boxers (with Kakashi leaving his mask on) and scrambled out into the water after the raft.

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From the shore, Raido sourly watched Kakashi and Genma harass Iruka, and grumbled to himself. "That stupid Chuunin has no idea what those two are going for. He's thicker than Genma!"

Raido flung a pebble into the ocean in a bad temper as he brainstormed for a solution. _'Hm, Iruka's always giving Kakashi funny looks. I wonder if he subconsciously likes him?' _A lightbulb went on over Raido's head.

"Ah-Ha! I have just the dastardly plan!" He rubbed his hands with devious glee. "And it will require lots and lots of coconut liqueur, heh heh heh!" With a kick of his heels, Raido scurried off to stock up for his plan.

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Iruka was not happy. He had never intended to include company in his private excursion, but was left with no choice. The Jounin had boarded his raft after a lengthy chase down the shore, with Iruka frantically and futilely trying to paddle away from the them. It seemed that no matter how hard the Chuunin tried to get some time alone lately, both Genma and Kakashi would follow close at his heels.

The first inklings of suspicion tickled the back of Iruka's brain, but at the moment all of his attention was directed towards the two stowaways on his raft; both Kakashi and Genma had done little else than fight amongst themselves the moment they had popped aboard, and Iruka's patience was hanging on a very thin wire. "Are you two done yet?" he demanded in his most menacing Teacher Mode voice that can be heard above the din.

The tone that the Chuunin used struck an instinctual nerve within the two Jounin, and they stopped fighting immediately. "Sorry Iruka-sensei." They muttered, sounding a lot like the Chuunin's classroom back home.

Iruka's retribution was not quite done yet. "If you two can't behav like mature adults and help me gather dinner, than I'm kicking you off my boat!"

Both Jounin looked away from Iruka's stern glare, mumbling apologies under their breath. (Yes, this is the power that a shinobi teacher possessed.)

Shaking his head in disapproval, Iruka turned away to select a rock suitable for diving. In doing so, the deadly Teacher Hold was broken on the Jounin.

"Wait, Iruka!" Genma ran ahead of the Chuunin and cannon balled into the sea, splashing water all over Iruka and the determined-to-stay-dry Kakashi. Genma popped back to the surface, grinning from ear to ear with senbon still between his teeth. "You can't expect me to idly sit by and watch you swim around in lobster infested waters ya'know!

Iruka did not try to hide the irritation in his voice. "Genma-san, you could have just kept watch on the beach!"

"Nah! You need me as your bodyguard! C'mon in Iruka," Genma waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I'll take gooooood care of you!"

Kakashi, the ever observant shinobi, noticed the look on Iruka's face as being hesitant. His observations were correct, for at that moment Iruka suddenly did not feel like going into the water anymore. For some reason he thought it as foolish as a baby seal attempting to swim in shark infested waters (and Genma had a toothy grin).

"Hey Genma..." Kakashi's eye twinkled with cunning. "A good bodyguard would first scout out the terrain to make sure it is safe for his ward...unless of course, you do want Iruka-sensei to be gobbled up by the dreaded Rock Lobsters?"

Genma shot Kakashi a dirty look, he couldn't deny Kakashi's bodygaurd logic (even if Rock Lobsters were as real as the Orochi-Fairy.)

"Fine." Genma said after a heavy silence, and turned to Iruka with a brave smile. "I'll catch you a big crab for dinner!" Grabbing a large rock from the basket, Genma dove underwater.

Iruka rolled his eyes and sighed, for now at least, he could have a few moments peace with the two Jounin separated. Between Kakashi and Genma, the later seemed to be least crazy of the pair...except for his infatuation with pelican watching. Chancing a peek from the corner of one eye, Iruka saw that the silvered haired Jounin had sprawled across the center of the raft, his pale body soaking in the sun's rays. The white skin vaguely reminded Iruka of marshmallows, of which the Chuunin was quite fond of.

'_His hair is fluffy like a marshmallow.'_ Iruka thought with a small smile. _'I wonder if he tastes like one?' _Unnerved at his own train of thought, Iruka cleared his throat and redirected his mind to something else, like small talk. "Um, Kakashi-san..." he started, 'how do you keep your skin so pale?"

"Oh? You want to know?" Kakashi rummaged in his boxers briefly and flashed a bottle of sunblock at Iruka. "I never leave home without my _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60!"_

"Ahh..." Iruka pointed at Kakashi's navy blue boxer shorts. "You keep that in _there_?"

The one eyed Jounin shrugged. "Where else would I keep it? I keep all my important stuff in there." To demonstrate his point, he pulled out a few weapons, some small scrolls and a handful of loose change. "I custom make my own boxers! No other shinobi in all of Konoha have dynamic boxers such as mine!" Kakashi seemed quite proud of himself.

'_Maybe he is just as crazy as Genma.'_ Iruka thought.

Kakashi's single eye glinted in the sun "Oh Iruka Sensei..." Kakashi beckoned to the Chuunin. "Would you like me to rub some of my _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60_ on your back?"

Suddenly, swimming in Genma infested waters didn't seem so bad after all.

"Ehh, that's all right Kakashi-san," Iruka hastily apologized. "I tan pretty easily anyways, so I really don't need the protection."

"Don't need the protection!" Kakashi's eye widened with shock. "UV rays Iruka! They're everywhere, like GERMS!" It was Kakashi's turn to go into Teacher Mode.

After a long and very convincing lecture on the importance of sublock against the dangers of Ultra Violet rays, Iruka complied and sat down to be rubbed with Kakashi's lotion.

"My, my, Iruka! You are so tense!" Kakashi cried as he rubbed the _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60_ over the Chuunin's shoulders. "You need to learn to relax!"

"I can never relax around you two." Iruka muttered darkly under his breath as the Jounin applied a glob of sunblock on the nape of his neck.

"Is that so?" Kakashi leaned over to whisper in Iruka's sticky ear, and what he said sent shivers down th Chuunin's spine. "Then I'll make it my mission to give you a one-on-one lesson on relaxation. Hm?"

Iruka was left speechless, he was unsure as to how to reply to such a forward invitation. A little voice in the back of his head wagged a finger in disapproval at himself when his head moved up and down in a nod.

Kakashi's eye shone with glee. Victory! Now on to second base...

Just then, Genma emerged sputtering from the ocean a short distance from the raft.

"You're alive." Kakashi casually observed, peering over the sunlit waters with mild irritation at the untimely interruption. "You were gone for a long time."

"Are you alright Genma-san?" Iruka called, scrambling to his feet.

In response, Genma waved a small lobster over his head. "Lookee what I got for you Iruka!" he laughed. "We're having lobster tonight!"

Iruka's eyes widened in fright. "Um, Genma-san..."

The senbon-chewing Jounin twirled the angry lobster in his hand as it tried to pinch his fingers. "Oh ho! This one's a fighter!"

"Genma..." Kakashi gestured behind the other Jounin, his single eye round as a saucer.

"Harharhar! You'll taste good with a side of seaweed!" Genma gave the little lobster another twirl for kicks.

"Genma-san!" Iruka waved his hands frantically. "Put the lobster down NOW!" he hissed.

"Why?" Genma paused in his lobster torment, he noticed that both Kakashi's and Iruka's attention were fixed at something behind him. Slowly, he turned around...

...And was face to face with a thoroughly pissed giant lobster.

"R-ROCK LOBSTER!" All three shinobi shrieked before the monster descended upon them with a bubbly roar. With a single sweep of its giant red claw it smashed the driftwood raft apart, sending its two occupants splashing into the sea.

The enraged lobster turned to attack its nearest victim (which unfortunately happened to be Iruka) and lunged after the hapless Chuunin with a hideous gurgle.

"I'll save you Iruka!" Both Genma and Kakashi cried together, springing into action in a way that only elite Jounin could.

Too late, the enormous claw descended on the Chuunin with a crash. Fortunately, Iruka kicked away just in time and was merely glanced by the blunt claw, which sent him spinning head over heels into the water.

Meanwhile, both Kakashi and Genma had climbed up the lobster's tail and were running up its barnacle encrusted back. Ignoring the sharp barnacles stabbing their bare feet, they made their way up to the lobster's head.

"Away ye fowl creature of the sea!" Genma cried and dove for one of the wiggling antennas. "Got'cha!" he chortled as he grappled with one of the lobster's frantically waving antennas, which only waved Genma around like a flag as it furiously whipped around.

Kakashi had pulled a kunai from one of his many secret boxer pockets and was in the process of stabbing at the mighty crustacean's head, but was thwarted by the Rock Lobster's rock hard shell.

Quite annoyed by its noggin' being knocked upon, the giant lobster foamed bubbles in outrage and whipped its free antenna at Kakashi to wrap around his ankle. With a yelp, the pesky Jounin was hauled upside down into the air to join Genma in his antenna peril.

"Crap! This wasn't such a good idea!" Genma yelled to Kakashi as they swung past each other on their respective antennas.

"Really? What gave you that idea?" Kakashi sarcastically shot back. Below, the monster lobster arched its head up and opened wide its hideously large feeler mouth to eat its captured prey.

Being upside down and swinging about did little to keep Kakashi's possessions in check, no matter how well made his prided boxers were. Out fell out the loose change, followed by the two small scrolls and the _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60_ (much to Kakashi's horror) and all fell into the Rock Lobster's gaping maw.

Among the scrolls that fell out, was Kakashi's old shopping list and a 'fun size' exploding fire tag he had found in a Cracker Jack box.

**KA-BLERSHG!**

The horrible lobster gave out a liquidy roar of dismay as _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60_ goo exploded from its highly sensitive feeler mouth, sending globs in all directions. With a bellow of disgust, the dreaded Rock Lobster released its hold on the Jounin and disappeared bad temperedly into the sea whence it came.

"Ew, that was GROSS!" Genma wiped a white splatter of the _UltraRay Bloc SPF 60_ from his face. "I don't EVER want to hear that 'Rock Lobster' song ever again!"

"Ditto." Kakashi agreed. "Hey, Where's Iruka?"

After a moment's panic, they spotted the missing Chuunin wallowing near the shore.

"Oi, Iruka!" Genma cried as they doggie-paddled towards the beach. "You still alive?"

The Chuunin whipped around at the sound of Genma's voice, a look of dismay stamped across his face. "I'm perfectly fine and whole Genma-san!" he called back, a slight note of panic apparent in his voice. "If you don't mind, I'm going to wait here and...and...and swim around for a bit until you both get back to the hut!"

Kakashi's paddling pace sped up a bit as worry set in. "Are you sure everything is alright? You weren't injured by the lobster, were you?"

"I said I was FINE!" Iruka shrieked, shattering all pretense that everything was anything but 'fine.' "Don't come any closer!"

Kakashi and Genma exchanged confused looks at the Chuunin's irrational behavior. The answer to their befuddlement arrived as a pair of light blue boxer shorts floating away on the waves, which in mistakenly once belonged to Iruka.

"Whoa!" Genma's jaw dropped (nearly losing the senbon that had gallantly survived the lobster attack) when realization hit home, and Kakashi's eye bulged wide with wonder.

"Is he...naked down there?" Genma wondered out loud to himself.

Iruka heard the remark and turned beet red. "Leave me alone!" he shrilled, and used an arsenal of rolled up seaweed balls to fend off his foes.

SPLAT-SPLAT! Iruka aimed true, and the seaweed balls enveloped the Jounin's faces and successfully obscured their vision. Once Kakashi and Genma had pulled away the vile weed of the sea, they found Iruka gone.

"Aw, Nut Bunnies!" Kakashi cursed, punching the water in frustration. "He got away!"

"That he did." Genma's eyes welled up with tears. "You realize that the monster achieved what we could not!" he wailed.

"Yeah." Kakashi nodded solemnly, looking equally disheartened. "It was its claw that ripped off Iruka-sensei's boxers. Which means that technically, the lobster won our bet ."

And with this sad realization, the two Jounin mourned.

TBC

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A sad day indeed for the Jounin! Will they ever get another crack at winning Iruka? And what exactly is Raido's dasterdly plan? Will Asuma ever find some 'baccy? And what will Iruka make for dinner? Find out in the next exciting chapter of _'Iruka's Island!'_ (coming to a webpage near you!)

And Yes, I love the B52's good XD Please review...if you DARE!


	3. Trouble in the Love Shack

**Characters:** Iruka, Kakashi, Genma, Raido, Asuma, Gai (KakaIru, Gen/Iru, Rai/Gen, Asuma/'baccy)  
**Story Summery: **Four Jounin and a Chuunin are stuck on a deserted tropical island with no way off. Iruka is slowly going insane from the Jounin's wierdness, while unbeknownst to him both Genma and Kakashi are competing for his affections. Meanwhile, Raido tries to distract Genma, and Asuma spirals down the unpredictable world of tobacco withdrawl. And where is Gai?

**Notes:** I still dedicate this ficness to mah friend **amoralambiguity** from LiveJournal And yes, it is unbeta'd and full of errors, so please don't take this story seriously (I know I don't! XD) WARNING! This story is full of stoopidness and is chock full of yoainess, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! Flames will only be pointed and laughed at for my own amusement, so don't bother.

* * *

** Iruka's Island**

**Ch. 3: Trouble in the Love Shack**

An awkward silence reigned supreme at the shinobi hut. The four Jounin sat huddled to one side of the hut in order to keep out of the way from one fuming Chuunin cook preparing their dinner.

After the exciting escapade with the dreaded monster of a lobster (or more commonly known as the 'Rock Lobster') Neither Iruka or the Jounin had the motivation nor the appetite to brave the oversized crustacean infested waters to dive for food.

Two of the Jounin winced whenever Iruka swung his mallet down to flatten a juicy bit of pineapple flat. The two Jounin (being Kakashi and Genma) happened to be the source of the Chuunin's pineapple wrath.

"You think he's still mad?" Genma whispered hoarsely to Kakashi.

"Ya THINK?" Kakashi replied sarcastically. "He's still pretty angry at you for rousing that lobster which ruined his underwear."

"Don't you go trying to blame all this on me!" Genma pointed at Kakashi. "You were with me the whole time!"

"Yeeeeek!" Asuma's shriek shattered the argument as he bounced around in his seat, from one butt cheek to the other. The big Jounin's eyes were bloodshot and his hands shook as he tried to nibble what was left of the stubs of his nails. "I GOTTA have my fix! The terrible curse of the 'baccy wrath' will overcome me if I don't do anything! AIEEE!"

"Hey, watch it!" Raido shoved Asuma away from bouncing into his personal space. The scarred Jounin was beginning to be quite irritated from Asuma's endless tobacco rants. "There's no such thing as a 'baccy curse, other than being addicted to the nicotine! You should take this opportunity as a good way to help you quit."

Asuma's crazy eyes shifted over towards Raido's direction. "I can't ever quit, not now or ever!" He grabbed a chunk of the scarred Jounin's light brown hair.

"Hey! What are you-OWCH!" Raido cried out painfully as Asuma twisted his short locks into what he thought looked like a rolled cigar. "'Baaaaacy...!" Asuma drooled, thrusting a burning lighter close to his Raido-cigar.

Acting fast to save the scarred Jounin's face from receiving another facial scar, Kakashi grabbed for Genma's outstretched foot and yanked his sandal off. Kakashi waved the shoe over his head to attract the hairy Jounin's attention. "Asuma, fetch!" Kakashi threw the sandal out the window.

In the midst of his 'baccy fever, Asuma perceived the shoe to be a giant cigar, and out he dove through the window after the elusive sandal.

"My shoe!" Genma cried, seeing that his dearly departed sandal was gone forever in the clutches of the bearded Jounin, and turned to vent his anger on Kakashi. "That was my only pair you jerk!"

"It gave its life for a good cause." Raido said respectfully, saluting the brave shoe outside that Asuma was currently lighting in his mouth.

The three Jounin were startled by a loud **CLUNK** of Iruka smacking a large wooden bowl on the driftwood table. "If you idiots are finished squabbling amongst yourselves, then come eat your dinner." Glancing out the window, he noticed Asuma gnawing on Genma's sandal. "Asuma-san, rubber won't help you prevent scurvy."

Kakashi popped out the window to fetch the hairy Jounin. "C'mon, Asuma." Kakashi grabbed the shoe in Asuma's mouth and (with the bearded Jounin growling and still hanging doggedly onto his prized smoking shoe) was led inside to the table.

"What? I don't see any coconut in this!" Raido frowned over the big bowl of fruity mush Iruka held in his arms.

"I think that this will be more to your liking, Raido-san." Iruka served him a big spoonful of the yellowy goop, it fell into Raido's bowl with an unappetizing plop. When the Chuunin passed over to Kakashi and Genma's bowls, he gave them a severe glare and served both a tiny scoop 'o pulpy soup.

Genma sighed out loud in exasperation. "Come on Iruka! Why are you so pissed off?"

"Why? I'll tell you why!" The Chuunin pointed his gooky spoon at both Genma and Kakashi. "Its because of you two that I was unable to catch any meat, and it is also because of you two that I lost my only pair of boxers!"

"Gai went commando all the time." Kakashi quipped. "He seemed to like it just fine."

"Well _I_ don't!" Iruka snapped.

'_This isn't good' _Raido thought. _'With all this bickering my dastardly plan to win Genma will never work at this rate! _Raido's simple plan of _Mission: Seduce Genma _consisted of getting he comrades all partied up until everyone was hammered (with Genma's drink having a couple mickeys slipped in.) Once Asuma, Kakashi and Iruka were hopelessly drunk, Raido would sneak away with the unconscious Genma to seduce him properly.

'_It has to work!'_ Raido gnawed his wooden spoon nervously. _'I'd better think of an excuse for a party fast...' _

With a groan, Asuma fell face forward onto the table, his face buried into the pineapple mush. From inside his fruity soup, he made yellow gurgling bubbles.

"Bad, Asuma! Bad!" Iruka tapped the big Jounin's head with his serving spoon. "You're not going to find any cigarettes in there."

Then quite unexpectedly, Asuma sprang from the table with a mighty shriek, spraying his comrades with a shower of pineapple pulp. "I feel the change overtaking me!" he cried, his eyes alight with nicotine-less madness. Then, howling like a hippo that has broken a toenail, the hairy Jounin ran through the wall with a very loud **CRASH,** leaving a large Asuma-shaped hole in his wake.

The remaining shinobi watched in silent awe as Asuma barged his way into the jungle, leaving behind a trail of carnage of innocent palm trees (and the occasional squirrel) and the echos of his beastly howls lingering in the air.

"Sh-should we help him?" Iruka asked shakily after the sounds of Asuma's howling died down a bit.

Genma shuddered. "No way! He's acting exactly like Tsunade-sama when she's sober! I wouldn't get near him for ANYTHING!"

Kakashi nodded, his eye wide with fright. "He'll become a dangerous beast of 'baccy madness, its best that we stay away from him for a while."

Outside, A piercing howl echoed throughout the jungle.

"I can live with that." Iruka replied, still a little shaken.

'_Its now or never...'_ Raido thought. "Hey everybody!" he cried in a desperately jolly voice. "I had just remembered that today is the day that the ancient country of 'CandyLand' celebrates a party known as 'Everybody Gets Drunk' day!"

"Oh SWEET!" Genma rubbed his hands with glee. "I love booze!"

"Is there such a place as Candyland?" Kakashi asked Iruka. "It sounds like a board game I once played."

Iruka shrugged his shoulders. "If Orochi-Wonka Town can exist, than Candyland isn't very far fetched." The Chuunin scowled at Raido in suspicion. "However, this whole 'party' business does sound fishy to me!"

"There are no fish involved!"Raido beamed with assurance and handed Kakashi a liquored filled coconut.

"I hope not!" Kakashi sniffed his coconut suspiciously, as if checking for the slippery critters in his drink.

Raido offered Iruka a similar coconut. "Here, this will help you relax!"

"No, that's all right." Iruka held up his hands in a polite decline. "I think I've had enough of coconuts for a while, and I would rather not have a hangover tomorrow."

"At least stay for the limbo contest!" Raido pleaded.

"Weeeeeeell..." Iruka gnawed the bottom of his lip in thought, limbo contests were his favorite after all, right next to piñata bashing. "All right, I'll stay for the limbo."

"Hey, where's my drink?" Genma pouted at not being offered a non-virgin coconut of his very own.

"For you, Genma, I have a SPECIAL coconut just for you!" Raido produced Genma's coconut drink topped with a pink umbrella to mark the 'specialness' of it.

"Neat! I love them little umbrellas!" Genma cradled his coconut in his hands, delighted by the little papery pinkness of the cocktail umbrella.

"This is almost too much awesomeness for me to handle!" Genma whipped around to face the other two shinobi. "Here, my dear Iruka, you take the first sip!"

Raido sputtered out his own drink. "No!" he squawked in horror, flailing his arms about in panic. "Iruka can't drink it!"

"Why can't he try it?" Kakashi sipped his drink through a straw that disappeared into his mask. "It tastes fine to me."

"Well, I suppose that I could have one little sip." Iruka accepted the drugged coconut from Genma, oblivious to look of horror stamped across Raido's face as the Jounin witnessed the inevitable happen.

Taking a single sip, Iruka's eyes widened in wonder. "Wow, this is pretty good!"

**THUNK!**

Iruka fell face first onto the ground, the coconut rolling away from his limp grasp.

Raido buried his face into his hands. _'Oh no, now they'll find me out! I am sooo dead!'_

"What the hell happened?" Genma cried, kneeling over the Chuunin. "Did he swallow a bug?"

"Naw, he probably can't hold his drink." Kakashi rolled Iruka over onto his back and tried to wake him, the Chuunin did not respond. "Crap!" Kakashi cursed. "I might have to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation!"

"A what?" Genma blinked.

"CPR, you dolt!"

"Oh! Good idea." Genma nodded, then paused. "Hey, I should do it! I got a CPR merit badge in Ninja Scouts!"

"You did not, you liar!" Kakashi snorted. "You never even went to Ninja Scouts!"

"I went to Ninja Scout camp when I was a kid!" Genma retorted. "You're just jealous because you're not qualified like me to give Iruka CPR!"

'_Good thing they're idiots.' _Raido thought with some relief. _'They don't even suspect me!'_

"Oho! I see your plan now!" Kakashi pointed a finger dramatically at Genma. "You just want to take advantage of Iruka while he's unconscious!"

"Its medical!" Genma pointed a finger back at Kakashi, equally dramatic. "You must be thinking the same thing if you're accusing me!"

"So what if I am? I know that _you_ thought of it first!" Kakashi took a step towards Genma, his voice challenging. "Or, did Ninja Scouts teach you everything you needed to know on being a first class pervert?"

"Never insult the Ninja Scouts!" Genma cried, lunging at Kakashi with a snarl. In mere moments, the two Jounin were rolling on the ground, knocking over chairs and discarded pineapples all over the hut as they tried to beat the stuffing out of each other.

"Good gravy!" Raido scratched his head in amazement as he watched the two Jounin squabble on the ground. "They're both so easily provoked." He walked over to where Iruka laid forgotten and unconscious on the floor.

The drug that Raido had brilliantly concocted from coconut oil and seaweed extract was designed to be neutralized by another person's saliva. The scarred Jounin sighed in exasperation, wishing that it was Genma rather than Iruka that he was about to awaken à la fairytale style. After a moment's hesitation, Raido leaned over to plant a light kiss upon Iruka's lips.

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing!" Both Kakashi and Genma demanded, their eyes alight with the fires of rage, they had stopped their fight upon spotting Raido bending over to kiss the Chuunin.

Raido jumped off Iruka, who was slowly regaining consciousness. "I was doing CPR!"

"Taking advantage of a tipsy Iruka, eh?" Kakashi's eyes glared daggers of righteous doom upon the hapless Raido.

"A pervert like you is not welcomed in our shack!" Genma agreed, shaking his fist to emphasize his anger. Both the Jounin cracked their knuckles menacingly as they advanced upon Raido.

Raido held up his hands in defense, completely taken aback at the hypocritical accusations against him. "B-but you two were about to do the same!"

"No excuses!" As one, Kakashi and Genma pummeled Raido, who flew gracefully through the roof, taking with him a good deal of the palm leaf shingles. Outside, he landed on the sandy beach in an undignified unconscious heap, with many little stars swirling over his head.

"That'll teach him!" Kakashi patted his hands with satisfaction.

"Yeah," Genma agreed. "Now _I'M_ gonna do CPR on Iruka!"

"You can't even pronounce it correctly, what makes you think that you know how to do it?" Kakashi gestured at Iruka on the ground, who was slowing coming around. "You'll probably just suffocate him with your big mouth."

"Oh yeah?" Genma puffed up his chest indigently. "I'll show you what being a Ninja Scout is all about!" He took out his potentially lethal senbon and leaned over the Chuunin.

Just then, Iruka awoke and rubbed his eyes. "Nng...what happened?" His blurry eyesight was greeted with Genma's puckered face descending down to plant his mouth over the Chuunin's. Genma's face turned red with exertion as he blew furiously to give Iruka the kiss 'o life.

Iruka's eyes bulged at the strange and uncomfortable sensation of being blown up like a balloon. In pure self defense, the Chuunin grabbed one of the rotting pineapples he had not used for dinner and smashed it over Genma's head. Since the pineapple was rotten, it had the opposite effect of braining Genma. Instead, the unfortunate Jounin's entire head was encased in the nasty pineapple like a very stinky oversized hat.

"Mmmph!" Genma cried from inside the vile fruit, losing his balance on his knees and toppling over on top of the irate Chuunin.

It was then that the thin line that was Iruka's nerve finally snapped.

With a mighty roar of Teacher Rage, the Chuunin pummeled Genma through the wall with his fist. The unfortunate Jounin sailed through the air and landed on top of Raido's not very soft body. Genma was out cold, with the smelly pineapple still clinging to his head.

With both the roof and two walls gone, the flimsy driftwood hut collapsed in on itself in a cloud of dust and sand. Once the destruction had settled, only Kakashi and Iruka were left standing in the rubble of their former shack of a hut.

"The house!" Iruka shrieked. "You idiots wrecked the house!"

"Technically, it was you who knocked out the supporting beam." Kakashi chipped in helpfully. "Asuma only made another door, and Genma and I only broke the roof using Raido for ammunition."

"Shut up!" Iruka snapped. "This is all you Jounin's fault! No one seems to want to get off this stupid island except me! All you people do is blow things up or bring in giant rock crabs!"

"Lobsters." Kakashi corrected.

Iruka grounded his teeth audibly, his left eye twitching uncontrollably as he struggled to keep his murderous temper in check. "Lobsters." He conceded. "Now, if you please excuse me Kakashi-san, I need to document this incident into the ship's log." With that, Iruka strode stiffly away to vent his anger on paper.

"Sheesh, he seems really mad this time." Kakashi scratched the back of his head as he surveyed the destruction the Chuunin had caused. Beyond the debris both Genma and Raido laid sprawled on top of one another in knockout'd bliss.

The silvered haired Jounin shrugged his shoulders. "Ah, what the hey, it wouldn't hurt to try!" With hands stuffed into his pockets, he ambled off after the Chuunin.

* * *

Far away in a secluded spot under a tall palm tree, Iruka sat scribbling furiously into the ship's log. He had reassured himself with the old saying 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to vent himself, rather than try to throttle any of the Jounin around him. He had already taken out Genma who was unfairly subdued by a pineapple, trying to tango with Kakashi (no matter how lazy he seemed) would not be taken down so easily. 

So Iruka planned to exact his revenge on paper._ 'This'll teach them to mess with Umino Iruka!' _The Chuunin thought as he reviewed his entry with some satisfaction. _'Slipping a mickey in my drink, what kind of sick prank were they trying to pull on me?'_

Iruka suddenly experienced the unpleasant feeling that he was being observed. He spun around to face the intruder, and found Hatake Kakashi casually leaning on the palm tree behind him. "What do you want?"

Kakashi shrugged and lazily gestured at the ship's log Iruka clutched. "Do you have to do that?"

Iruka blinked. "Do what?"

"Work." Kakashi snagged the journal from Iruka's hands. His single eye arched up in amusement at the first few sentences he glimpsed from the open pages. _"Of the four Jounin stranded on the island, Hatake Kakashi is the epitome of uselessness." _Kakashi read out loud from Iruka's handwriting. _"He spends his days idly watching for pelicans and tends to use whatever excuses necessary to weasel himself out of work and scheduled meetings. I have yet to witness him contribute significantly to the survival of our predicament. From my observations, I am unable to find evidence that might justify his position of remaining among the ranks of the elite Jounin squad."_

Iruka wanted to crawl into a hole and bury himself._ 'Now he's gonna kill me.'_ He thought with despair.

"Hmm, you think I'm idle?" Kakashi closed the book shut with a snap, his single eye regarded Iruka fidgeting in the sand. "I won't argue with the idle part, but I do contribute greatly to our little predicament."

"You do?" Iruka sounded indigent, having recovered from his embarrassment and was now irritated again. "With what then?"

Kakashi cracked his knuckles, a twinkle shone in his eye. "With full bodied massages of course!"

"With..." Iruka choked, his blood pressure beginning to rise. "HOW is that significant to our survival?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Remember what I'd said earlier today? To make it my mission to give you a one-on-one lesson on relaxation? Now please take off your shirt and I'll show you."

"Oh, right." Iruka gulped. "I do remember you saying something like that."

"That's good." Kakashi cracked his knuckles. "I was afraid that I'd have to jog your memory. Shirt, please."

Iruka scowled and tugged at the zipper on his vest. "Only if you promise to go away after this."

"Only if you want me to." Kakashi's eye sparkled merrily as Iruka pulled the black shirt over his head, exposing his coppery skin to the elements.

Kakashi plopped himself in a kneeling position behind the Chuunin. The Jounin regarded Iruka's slouched back with a critical eye, and prodded the tense flesh with one finger as if testing for troublesome areas. "You're still tense Iruka, I can't work my magic if you don't cooperate with me."

Iruka scoffed.

"Or..." A hint of a smile seeped into the Jounin's voice. "Would you rather have me work on some other part of your body? I am quite skilled in all areas."

"No! Er, sorry. I mean, just my back is fine." Iruka stammered. The truth was, he was nervous, and the Chuunin tended to hide his nervousness with irritation.

"Alright then." Kakashi traced the curve of Iruka's spine with his thumbs, and starting from the base, rolled his thumbs into the muscles where the rib cage met the vertebrae.

"Oh!" Iruka gasped, arching his back at the unexpectedly pleasant feeling of tension being released from entire muscle groups.

"Just relax, I'll take care of you." The Jounin's splayed hands worked up over Iruka's rib cage, his fingers applying light pressure in-between the ribs. Slowly, his hands ghosted around the Chuunin's trunk to work on the chest and shoulder muscles.

Iruka sighed closed his eyes, and allowed Kakashi to draw his limp body into the Jounin's arms for better access.

Gently, Kakashi left hand drew up Iruka's neck, his right hand stroking beneath the collarbone. In doing so, Iruka's head rolled into the nape of Kakashi's shoulder. Iruka sighed with contentment as the Jounin continued to weave his spell of relaxation upon the Chuunin.

"You feel any better?" Kakashi asked softly.

"Mmm, much." Iruka mumbled into the Jounin's shoulder. He lifted his head to study Kakashi's face, which stern with concentration. Iruka smiled, thinking that Kakashi's expression looked very out of place on the Jounin, and he found it quite cute. On an impulse, Iruka planted a light kiss upon Kakashi's masked jaw.

Kakashi froze.

Iruka's eyes widened at the atrocity that he had just committed. He sprang out from Kakashi's arms. "I-I'm so sorry Kakashi-san!" He sputtered, his face turning red. "I don't know what came over me!"

The Jounin blinked at Iruka's odd behavior. "You just kissed me Iruka-sensei, I'm flattered."

"You are?" Iruka scratched his head. "You're not upset?"

"On the contrary!" Kakashi smiled through his mask. "May I return the compliment?"

"Uh...s-sure." Iruka fidgeted visibly as the Jounin scooted closer.

Once he was nose-to-nose with the nervous Chuunin, Kakashi smiled in assurance. "I promise that I won't bite...hard!"

Iruka's head snapped up, his irritation once again rising its ugly head. "What do you mean by–umph!" Before he could finish his sentence, Kakashi had tugged down his mask and claimed the Chuunin's lips.

Iruka's surprise melted away as he relaxed into the kiss, allowing Kakashi to snake his arms under Iruka's arms to wrap around in an embrace.

The Jounin broke the kiss to trail his mouth along the Chuunin's neck, his hands meanwhile continued to play with the muscles on Iruka's back.

Iruka gasped when he felt Kakashi's teeth gently bite down onto his flesh. "Is...is this part of your massage routine?"

"Perhaps." The Jounin replied, urging the Chuunin to lie backwards into the sand. "I could just be making an exception, since you are a valued customer."

Iruka wrapped his arms around Kakashi's neck. He realized now in his bliss that he had always liked the weird Jounin, fluffy white marshmallowy hair and all. "Good to know that I've made your list." he chuckled, and ran his hand through the Kakashi's hair...and felt a scaly webbed foot in the way.

Iruka's eyes snapped open in shock. There, standing on top of Kakashi's head, was a very grouchy looking pelican.

"W-What the hell is that?" Iruka cried, scrambling out from under the Jounin.

"Oh!" Kakashi cried delightfully. "You found my pelican Iruka-sensei! I'm so glad!" The Jounin carefully lifted the large bird from his head and addressed its grumpy face with glee. "Do you have my package, my good pelican sir?"

In reply, the pelican opened its huge beak for Kakashi to retrieve a neatly wrapped parcel from the depths of its maw.

"Huzzah! My new Icha Icha book has arrived!" Kakashi stood up to perform a little jig of joy.

"You mean..." Iruka stared at Kakashi in stupefied awe. "You've been waiting for a messenger pelican to deliver your book this whole time?" The Chuunin's face broke into a wide smile. "This is great! With this pelican we can send a message back for Konoha to rescue us!"

Kakashi ceased in his dancing, he regarded Iruka's suggestion with horror. "We can't do that! Using the _Icha Icha Incorporated's_ _Official Delivery Pelican(tm)_ for personal use is a breach of my subscription contract!"

"Huh?" Iruka blinked in disbelief at what the Jounin had just said. He laughed nervously. "You can't be serious."

"Indeed I am!" Kakashi ripped through the packaging of his parcel to reveal the gleaming cover of his new novel. "If that happened, I would lose my subscription to Icha Icha novels."

"Are you mad?" Iruka cried, and pointed to the disgruntled pelican. "This bird is our ticket off this island, that's worth far more than a stupid subscription for porno novels!"

"Stupid?" Kakashi cried indigently, holding his prized book to his chest. "Such masterpieces as these do not deserve the word 'stupid' in the same sentence! This is high class porn we're talking about!"

"I don't care what you think!" Iruka yelled, his temper rising. "I'm using that pelican to get us off this island, and there is not a damn thing you can do about it to stop me!"

"Yes there is." Kakashi pointed above Iruka's head. "The pelican already took off."

Iruka craned his neck up and sure enough, the grouchy pelican was flying off towards the sea. "NO!" Iruka cried and scrambled after it. It was not until he was knee deep in sea water when he stopped to stare in horrified disbelief as the rather rude bird flew off into the sunset.

"Don't worry, it'll be back in a month." Kakashi flipped to the first page of his book. "That pelican can track me down no matter where I go."

"How could you–" Iruka choked, still staring at the spot in the sky where the pelican disappeared. Anger swelled up inside him, he turned to face Kakashi. "Of all the selfish and inconsiderate..." he swallowed, trying to prevent tears of rage and despair from trickling down his cheeks. Iruka turned away. "I hate you Kakashi!" Grabbing his shirt, Iruka stormed into the jungle without a backward glance to the shocked Jounin.

Kakashi sadly looked down at his book and slowly closed it. He no longer felt like reading, the novel did not seem to be worth it.

* * *

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, Kakashi!" Iruka grounded out as he stomped through the jungle, emphasizing each curse with a good stomp of his sandaled feet. "What a selfish prick! Next time I hope that bird shits on his head!" He continued grumbling and stomping for some time, until he realized how far into the jungle he had traveled. 

Iruka looked above to see jungle foliage nearly obscuring any trace of the blue sky. '_I've never been this far into the jungle'_ he thought nervously. _'Perhaps I should head back...'_

Somewhere behind him, a twig snapped.

Iruka spun around to face the source of the sound, his hand instinctively dove for a weapon in his vest, but he had left all of his equipment along with his vest at the beach with Kakashi.

Iruka gulped. _'Its probably just a jungle bunny.'_ More twigs snapped all around him, Iruka glimpsed a shadow of a person dive behind a palm tree.

'_Definitely not a jungle bunny.' _Iruka concluded, aiming himself to dash back towards the beach. Suddenly, a sharp pang bit into his butt.

"Ow!" Iruka twisted to feel the afflicted area, and his hand grasped a short stick protruding from his nethers. Instinctively, he yanked it out to inspect it, and found it to be a brightly feathered dart.

His brain had barely enough time to realize the significance of the dart when the drug set in, and Iruka collapsed in a heap. As his vision succumbed to the darkness of drugged unconsciousness for the second time that day, he saw several hands reach down to take him away.

* * *

**Dun Dun DUN! **Oh noes! What will happen to Iruka now? And will Kakashi ever get another chance to score with our favorite Chuunin? And will Raido finally be able to seduce Genma? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion for 'Iruka's Island' coming to a webpage near you! (R/R if you DARE!) 


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